Wheels and heels

Important matters like the Archibald Portrait Prize, the Eurovision Song Contest and the Gem Scone Division at the Royal Easter Show are too often left in the hands of the miserably unqualified – with appalling results.

And the same seems to be true of the Smiles Per Hour award recently decided in Britain.

The £50,000 pound design competition was sponsored by carmaker Fiat for a `transporter’ that would make travelling more enjoyable.

The rules said it could be based on any travel methods: “a bike, trike, skates, a pogo stick, dinghy or even moving stairs”.

And while the five finalists were all interesting gadgets, the stand-out – to any intelligent woman’s mind – would have had to be the Hylo.

This nifty little number is a convertible shoe, that adjusts from a flat to a heel. Apart from the marvellous capacity to have two fashion styles in one, it opens up possibilities of being able to drive more safely without a heel digging itself into the carpet so deeply it can’t be extracted for braking.

The heel part is stored in a slot along the sole, and a touch on the button at the back – somewhat tragically camouflaged as a pink blossom – passes a current through the heel, transforming it “from a flat to a curve, flicking it instantly backwards and creating an arch and high-heeled effect”. There’s no mention of what sort of voltage the current is, and how it might be insulated from your feet, but perhaps it’s best to think of those details as a bonus massage effect … 240 volt reflexology.

So essentially, a boon to about a billion driving women all over the world. Did it win? Of course not.

The money went to Nick Rawcliffe, a 34-year-old product designer and extreme sports fan, who came up with the Snowbone – a hybrid BMX contraption that can be fitted onto a snowboard to allow you to do tricks. Well, perhaps not you. Or many of the other billion women. But about … erm, let’s see… a couple of hundred thirty-something Peter Pans who truly believe a half-pike-with-flip on snow is the next evolution in human movement.

Another of the five finalists disturbingly similar to the Snowbone was the Longbow – a sskateboard development that allows for faster speed and uphill travel, so pedestrians can be terrorised in both directions.

Then there’s the Streetrower, which gives you get the same workout as you would with a rowing machine, except that you can propel yourself along at the same time. The inventor doesn’t elaborate on where you’re going to do that, particularly as the footpaths look set to be invaded by Longbow riders. But perhaps he could add some kind of novel waterproof base so you could take it onto the relative safety of, say, a quiet river.

But our second logical choice for the gong would have been the Suitcase Car, which “aims to do for transport what the iPod did for music … extreme-minimum size and weight, maximum-speed, convenience and excitement. Match speeds with urban traffic, carve around corners and weave through gaps... Parking sucks; don't do it. After an exciting commute just fold and sit on it.”

And if you’re one of those driving women, get used to doing it all barefoot, because the judges have decided you’re not going to get a crack at walking to work in the convertible shoes.