BMW M3 VS BMW M5

In a word? Delightful.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not the easiest car in the world to daily drive. The carbon-fibre seats fitted to ours, for example, made getting in and out a slightly embarrassing challenge, and there’s a surging eagerness to the delivery of power that makes you look a little like you're showing off.

But the adaptive suspension serves up a far more comfortable ride than you might be expecting (more comfortable, in fact, than lesser, cheaper M models), making tootling around town easier and less chiropractic than I was expecting.

But it’s away from the city, with its traffic and red lights, that owning the M3 Touring becomes a delight, from its potent and punchy powertrain to the thrum of its exhaust, and the EV-like immediacy of its power delivery.

This is a driver’s wagon, there’s no doubt about it, with proper seatback-pushing acceleration, direct and confident steering and enough body stiffening and bracing that you really would have no idea you’re driving a wagon when cornering.

Engage its sportiest settings, and disengage its electronic nanny systems, and you can even set to work judging your drifting skills, courtesy of the (as yet untested, honestly) 'M Drift Analyser'.

A family car like few others, then. That you can also take it to Bunnings and throw some sleepers in the back is just a very welcome bonus.

Things this large simply shouldn’t be this potent. Like John Goodman suddenly toppling Usain Bolt at the Olympics, the BMW M5 Competition is bulk-defyingly good at the fast stuff.

The secret is its ability to hide those sprawling dimensions on a race circuit or twisting road. BMW’s engineers have poured plenty of work into stiffening the chassis of the M5 Competition, from new anti-roll mounts to additional under-bonnet bracing, to make the brand’s biggest performance sedan feel more lithe and responsive when pushed. 

And while its size never vanishes completely - and you find yourself praying you don’t encounter oncoming traffic on skinnier roads - engaging the Competition’s sportiest settings unlocks a Copperfield-level vanishing act.

The engine helps too, of course, pushing the M5 along with staggering ease, even when you’re pottering at suburban speeds. But really flatten your foot and the big V8 will force you to reassess your knowledge of physics. It’s really very fast, the Competition, the power flowing uninterrupted to the tyres, the engine still very willing to deliver more oomph long after your courage has jumped ship. 

The steering, direct though it is, lacks some natural feel, but you are always left with the impression that the Competition is going to go where you point it.

More fun stuff? Well, you can switch the traction control to a half-off setting, allowing for some smoking, drifting heroics before it drags you back into line. BMW calls it M mode, and it’s designed to make a hero of even the most ham-fisted of pilots, myself included. The braver still can deactivate traction control all together which, combined with rear-wheel-drive mode, turns the M5 Competition into the biggest and possibly most expensive drift car of all time .

Away from the track, though, the Competition version of the M5 is almost as good as transforming into a comfortable everyday commuter as its less hairy siblings. The adaptive suspension can be softened, and the steering lightened, to make toppling traffic a doddle. 

The keen-eyed among you might well have noticed we’re yet to touch on any major downsides of the drive experience. And you'd be correct.